“No lie, just know I chose my own fate
I drove by the fork in the road and went straight”
Jay-z on “Renegade“
I feel like I’m at a crossroads. For some reason, I feel like my life is steering me in a direction where things are going to change drastically. I don’t know whether it’s the activites of late or if this has been leading up, but there’s something in the air. So yes…I feel like I’m at a crossroads.
Whatup people? What’s poppin’? This is the Ajaxxx.com Opinions Column for the final month of 2011. Hard to believe, isn’t it? A whole year has passed by in like the blink of an eye. It’s been quite the eventful year, with it being extra krazy during these last few months. For those that’re new to the site, this is the place where I talk and talk about anything and everything on my mind, whether it’s movies, music, or anything else. And for those revisiting, welcome back! As you might’ve guessed from the rather dramatic intro, there’s been a lot of insanity in my life lately and I feel like talking about it. So, let’s talk.
Lately, it seems like everything I’ve known has been turned upside down. Well, not EVERYTHING, but certainly a lot. One of the things that I feel changing is my career. Now for those that don’t know, when I’m not murdering microphones and rocking crowds, I design websites and graphics (hence the Design section you see above). So when I was in college, I always had this tug-of-war going on within me: Do I a) pursue music or b) keep it Desi and “do computers?” Well, because I had a passion for both, I did both. And up to this point, it’s worked quite well. Well lately, and especially as I’ve gotten older, time hasn’t been what it used to be. Instead of having hours upon hours (upon hours) to do whatever I want, I have to be a lot more creative with time managing. So when I have one thing pulling at me, that means I gotta sacrifice something else.
Anyway, I’ve always been good at time managing (well, not alwayssssss, but you know what I mean). If there’s a website that needs to get done, I’m able to shuffle things around and make it work. And if there’s a song that needs to get written, I’m also able to juggle everything to get it done. But if you’re really serious about your career (whatever that may be), you find that you have to dedicate mad time into it. At least that’s what I’ve found, especially the more serious I’ve gotten. So yesterday when I was supposed to work on a song but instead didn’t end up getting back to the crib til like 10 something because of work, it hit me. And like I said, I do a really good job of balancing it all…but when you compound these things with learning a new language, going to the gym, taking trainings to improve (because you can’t stay stagnant), and maintain SOME sort of social life, it gets even more difficult…and that’s why I feel like things need to change.
The bottom line is, I feel overwhelmed. I had a conversation with someone today and she was like, “You know, there’s a lot of people that depend upon you.” And y’know, she’s right. I don’t think about that enough, but it really holds a lot of weight. And because I don’t want to let anybody down (especially myself), I take it all on.
By the way, don’t get me wrong. I am super grateful that I’m able to do all these things and that I’ve been blessed to have all this in my life. I am not complaining. I’m just trying my best to take it all in and it’s a lot. I’m confident that things’ll improve, but at what cost? What will I have to sacrifice and where will I have to go? Y’know what I mean? I don’t know the answer, but I’d really be curious in finding out.
Other areas in my life that may change: Where I live. I’ve been approached about a few out-of-state opportunities, while stumbling across others. This is definitely a great thing, but change always messes with my head. Nothing has even changed yet and it’s messing with my head. Anyway, I’m gonna see what happens, but again…the whole crossroads thing is staring me in the face.
Whatever tho, let’s shift topics for a moment. On the music front, I’ve been steady making progress, continuing to get new music mixed down. I recorded one of the last songs for “Something to Prove”, which is soundin’ super dope. I’m gonna’ be showin’ up on a few new mixtapes soon, along with shooting a few new videos. I also wrote some new verses as well. I need to remind myself that in order to preserve my sanity, I need to work on music as much as possible. Of course I’m always getting pulled away because that is life, but I need to work harder. I definitely haven’t done enough and I really need to make some new waves asap.
Holidays! So with the holidays upon us, things are only gonna’ get busier. At the same time though, there’s a lot to look forward to! Spending time with family is up there. The food is up there. And I’m gonna be an uncle again too! There’s a lot of positives on the horizon and I’m readyyy.
Before I go, special R.I.P. shout out to Heavy D. I grew up listening to his music and it’s sad that he died so young. You’ll definitely be missed, Hev.
And with that said, I’m outta here. I’m optimistic too! Everything that I’m hit with only helps me grow and develop, and I’ll take it. Despite the challenges, I know it’ll be okay. Plus there’s a new year that’s almost here, right? Thanks for reading up y’all. Stay up, stay safe, and hold ya’ head. Ajaxxx signing out, PEACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Photo credit: http://itisabeautifulday.blogspot.com, http://1truebeliever.files.wordpress.com
