“Cause sometimes you just feel tired, feel weak
And when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up
But you got to search within you, and try to find that inner strength
And just pull that shit out of you
And get that motivation to not give up, and not be a quitter
No matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face, and collapse”
– Eminem on “Till I Collapse“
Where do you go? What do you do? What’s it all for? I find myself asking these questions a lot, and especially this past month. I guess you could say I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching. It seems like I’ve hit a rut in life and things just aren’t going the way I expected. Instead of eventfulness, I’m in stalemate-ness (because that’s a word). I’m used to things really poppin’ off, but these past couple of months have been the opposite. I mean don’t get me wrong, there have been highlights; but without the consistency, everything just feels empty. And when it’s like this, I start asking myself: what’s my purpose?
Whatupppp everyone? What’s goin’ on? It’s ya boy Ajaxxx back at it with the September 2013 Opinions Column. For those that’re new to the site, this is the numero uno spot where you can dig deep within my internal brain tissues (can you get any more nasty) and find out what’s going on with yours truly. Actually the best place for that would be the music, but hey. For those that’re returning to the site, welcome back! And with that outta the way, let’s talk about August…and my attempt to find my purpose.
So somewhere in August, I hit a wall. Now if you know me, you know I’m never bored. I always drown myself in work – whether it’s recording, writing, designing graphics and websites – whatever it is. But I dunno, I hit a point where I was just like whatever. I felt so drowned out and asked myself whether I was doing the right thing, if this is what I’m supposed to be doing, and why I was even asking these things. In short, I was looking for some kind of meaning…or purpose. I think what compounded this issue is the stagnant last few months I’ve been having where nothing has really been happening musically. I dismantled my mic booth, I continue to wait for a music video I shot a few months ago, and I’m also waiting on songs for my upcoming CD. I felt like damn, is this what I’m even supposed to be doing?
I also have a bad habit of not talking to people about my problems. I don’t know why that is but there’s probably more than one reason. Anyway, I made an exception in August and did end up talking to a few friends because I didn’t know what else to do…and I made some interesting discoveries. Sometimes you gotta hear yourself say something before it makes sense.
So what’d I discover? A few things. Get back to your roots. Stop over thinking stuff. Remind yourself of what makes you happy. And that if nothing is happening, then you have to force yourself to MAKE something happen. Sometimes doors aren’t gonna open on their own. So over the last month, I took a few steps in a different direction:
1) I started reading again. I haven’t read since like high school, and I never really got into reading much because I wasn’t crazy about any of the books I read (especially towards the end). But there’s a wealth of information and ideas contained in books and I wanted to inspire myself. I actually set out and made this a New Year’s resolution way back in 2012, and never made any progress with this. I turned the corner though and just finished reading my first book the other day.
2) I started playing video games again. Haha, now ok, for this you gotta be wondering if I’m really being serious. Let me explain. When I was younger, video games were my THING. Once I hit college, I dunno what happened but I pretty much stopped playing. I became busy with a social life, school, music, etc. and pushed gaming to the back. Well, in the same spirit of reading, I wanted to return to things I enjoyed doing when I was younger to recreate a sense of discovery. There was something about those days that made me happy and I wanted to figure out what that was. Now I don’t know if I’ll return into a full-fledged gamer (it does take up a LOT of time lol), but it’s been good to get back to a simpler time in my life.
3) I got back in the gym. I’ve said this for awhile, but there are two places in the world where I feel at ease: in the mic booth and in the gym. With me not having a mic booth anymore (sigh), I decided I need to get back to exercising. It had been a minute with moving and everything, but I finally returned. I have a lot of motivation around me and nothing standing in my way. And especially with all the ups and downs with my health this past year (and there have been a lot), I really needed to start prioritizing this again. I’m glad I did too because it really makes me feel a lot better.
4) I’m back on the ball with my new CD. This CD and I have a love-hate relationship, I’m tellin’ you. So in an effort to get my CD completed, I reached out to a few different people to get the lingering songs completed. I reached out to producers, engineers, directors, singers, and more. I’m actually now gearing up for video #3 while I still wait for #2. Life is not slowing down so how can I? So like I mentioned above, if nothing’s happening then you have to force something to happen.
So you gotta be wondering, what’s the point of this whole exercise (or exercises)? Well, it’s like I said…my life was lacking purpose and I wanted to return to things that made me happy. I’m convinced that when you do the things you love, new and exciting things will present themselves to you. I just recently read “The Alchemist” and it reminded me of a lot of things I already knew, particularly about adulthood. When we’re young, we have these big hopes and we do all sorts of things we love. As we grow older (and I talk about this in last month’s Opinion Column), we put these fake titles and restrictions on ourselves that make it taboo to do certain things (ie video games). I think I’m teetering that line now where I’m starting to do things I don’t care for and losing my identity.
So did doing all that tell you what your purpose is, ‘Jaxxx? Nah, I still don’t know what that is lol. But I do know it’s got me back on track. If you lose inspiration, get back to the things you love. Sometimes the inspiration doesn’t have to come from someplace external…maybe it’s what’s already inside of you that’ll guide you to where you gotta go. And damn, that’s going in a rhyme lol.
So what’s in store for September? I’m gonna continue to do the things that make me happy and work harder towards my goals. And with the video hopefully dropping this month, life’s about to be krazy. With that said, I’m outta here! Thanks for reading everyone. Stay up, stay safe, and hold ya’ head…Ajaxxx signin out, PEACEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Photo credits:
freelancefolder.com
guardian.com
elev8.com
keynotemediasolutions.com
